Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It’s feasting and gluttony and gastronomical abandon coupled with the best videogame release schedule and a tolerable indoor/outdoor temperature. Christmas, on the other hand, is hit-or-miss. This year, with a pile of injuries and a cold, I am irritable, sardonic, impatient and slovenly. On the way back from the airport today, I was listening to NPR’s Christmas Special, which includes David Sedaris’ Santaland Diaries. His particular brand of humor was in perfect alignment with my current anti-holiday appetite. The following is a bit where Sedaris was addressing a tantrum-prone child that made me laugh out loud maniacally while cutting off a station wagon:
I said that Santa changed his policy and no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad, he comes to your house and steals things. I told Riley that if he didn’t behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark.
The woman got a worried look on her face and said: All right. That’s enough. I said, he’s going to take your car and your furniture, and all of your towels and blankets and leave you with nothing. The mother said, No, that’s enough – really.